These are my precious sekrets:

Places Applied to:

• Big Kahuna Burger
• Bluth Company
• Nakatomi Corporation
• Warrant Officer aboard the Nostromo
• H.R. Geiger's personal assistant (glad that didn't work out)

Items Hidden:

• In a hayfield near Buxton, Maine there's a long rock wall with a big oak tree at the end of the end. At the base of the wall there's a rock that has no earthly business in a Maine hayfield. A piece of black, volcanic glass. There's something buried under it that I want my friend Red to have.
• The Sphynx's nose is in my closet under that suit I never wear.
• Picasso's Le pigeon aux petits pois is underneath the Velvet Elvis in my bedroom.
• The Maltese Falcon is my hatrack. It's displayed in plain sight in my livingroom.

Secrets about people:

• Lindbergh Baby now an old man living in Utah.
• Amelia Earhart decided to give it all up and live out the rest of her days as a Silverback Gorilla (Jane Goodall told me).
• The Zodiac Killer was Rip Taylor

Movie/TV show secrets:

• The top fell at the end of Inception
• At the end of Lost In Translation Bob whispers "I'll be the keymaster if you'll be the gatekeeper" into Charlotte's ear. The only reason there isn't a Ghostbuster's 3 is because Charlotte said no.
• Speaking of Ghostbusters...
  • When Dana/Zuul said "There is no Dana, there is only Zuul." it was a lie. Statistically, there was about 2.3% Dana.
  • When someone asks if you're a god, only answer yes if you're 100% sure that the person asking you is not a god, because if they are, you'll be challenged to an epic dance off that you won't be able to win.
  • Because of the laws of interdimensional partical physics, you should only cross the streams on Wednesdays, Sundays, and every other Tuesday.
  • The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was supposed to be the Michelin Tire Man, but Columbia Pictures couldn't settle on a deal with Michelin. The Costume was already made, so they went with Marshmallow instead.
• At the end of The Sopranos Tony looks surprised because his mom's Zombie walks into the restaurant. The ending was going to be the start of HBO's next hit TV series based on zombies, but it got the axe. AMC eventually bought the rights, and now we have The Walking Dead.

General Secrets:

• Aliens are real.
• Zombies are also real.
• JFK was assassinated by John Wikles Booth's zombie.
• Stonehenge was made by my friend Chuck. To this day, I don't know why people haven't figured it out.
• The Tunguska event was caused by a Siberian Giant sneezing.
• The Voynich manuscript is a collection of soup recipies. You just need to turn the book upside down and look at it in a mirror to read it.
• The extended version of this list that includes very personal secrets about all of my co-workers is taped to the bottom of my desk at work.